Tag Archives: Life

On accepting my own limitations

Lately, I’d give anything for an extra 12 hours in the day. Between full-time work, daily blogging, my book project, exercise, household chores, and spending time with my husband, there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. Add to that our travel plans and moving preparations, and I’m completely overwhelmed.

Then there are the projects that I want to do that I just can’t fit into my schedule — the books on my to-read list, the unfinished quilts that have collected dust for 3 years, the piles and piles of clutter that need to be cleared before we pick up and move again, the movies I’ve yet to see, and my poor dog who isn’t walked nearly enough.

I wish I had a solution, but honestly, I don’t. I love that I have such a varied list of interests, and I love that my busy schedule keeps me from ever feeling bored. But I hate the way it feels to see the book on my nightstand, and the bookmark that serves as a painful reminder that I’ve yet to make a dent in it. I hate the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach when I look at my guest room, crammed full of stuff that I haven’t even touched months. I miss having the time to do my favorite relaxing projects that I love — quilting and reading and photography.

It seems that the only solution is to give some of it up, but I can’t choose. So I end up back at the same place — struggling to balance the things that I must do with the things that I love.

As kids, we’re told that we can do it all. As adults, we face the tough reality that it’s just not possible.

How do you find a balance?

Feels like home

This year, my Valentine’s Day gift came a day early. We woke up to six inches of snow on the ground in our typically temperate beach town. It’s nothing compared to what we used to get in Indiana — or what the upper East Coast is currently digging out of — but we enjoyed a little piece of home on Saturday.

I’ve missed it.

Dedicated to all seven (yes, seven) of my cars

Yesterday, I wrote about the pros and cons of financing vs. buying a used car with cash. At the end of the post, I briefly mentioned that one of the reasons I don’t mind financing is because I’ve driven six unreliable cars since high school. While I hated most of those cars by the time they died, they certainly left me with a lot of stories, and I’m sharing them in this post.

This is a long one, and it’s a little off topic, but if you’re interested in reading a different kind of writing than what I usually post here, please click through.

Continue reading →

Pixar & pain killers

I made it through the surgery just fine, and as all of you predicted it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experiences with me. The scariest part was not knowing what I was getting myself into, so your encouragement and advice helped calm my nerves more than I can even express.

I’m swollen and sore, but I’m content because I’m all cuddled up with a very concerned Howie, and Tony has canceled classes today to take care of me. A Pixar movie marathon and lots of pain meds are the only thing on my agenda.

Happy Friday to all of you, and eat something delicious tonight for me! It’s nothing but applesauce and ice cream for me for the next couple days. :)

Note to self: Never Google “wisdom teeth death”

Tomorrow, an oral surgeon will be ripping my wisdom teeth from my skull.

I’ve been putting this off for over five years, and my fear of surgery is now bordering on pathological. I know I’m being a wuss, but I’ve never had any kind of surgery. I’ve never been sedated in my life. And since I’m a textbook type-A control freak, the idea of being knocked out for an hour while someone drills into my head with power tools is just a little terrifying. It’s not the pain that scares me. It almost seems more appealing to stay awake for the surgery. Almost.

Last Thursday I went in for a consultation. I ended up waiting in the scary little room staring at the x-rays that had doomed me for 45 minutes. I could hear the oral surgeon loudly consulting with the man in the next room. Apparently, he was about 100 years old with a 215/95 blood pressure. They canceled his surgery and called an ambulance because the doctor was convinced he was about to suffer a stroke. I hope he’s okay, and it seems they caught his symptoms early enough that they would be able to treat him, but seriously? Why did I have to end up in the room next to the guy who left the office in an ambulance? I could just picture myself being carted away in a speeding ambulance due to my rare but life-threatening complications.

When the doctor finally came in to talk to me, he spent 20 minutes telling me about risks and possible complications and explaining stitches in my gums and dry sockets and nerve damage. I couldn’t help but think this whole wisdom teeth removal thing was just a bad idea. Those teeth aren’t hurting anything. They’ve been there for years. The only reason I’m removing the things is because my dentist has been telling me to do it for five years.

But this is the responsible thing to do. We don’t know if we’ll continue our dental coverage when we move since we’ll be paying so much for health insurance already, so we’re trying to get any potential problems out of the way now. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I had some serious doubts when I saw my estimated bill, though. Let’s just say, I can think of a million other things I’d rather do with my weekend and my money than have teeth ripped from my skull.

When I got home, I broke my number one rule when it comes to medical care: I Googled my condition. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Google searching any symptom or medical condition, it’s that Google only gives you one prognosis: IMMINENT DEATH.

Sniffles? You’re suffering a rare strain of the flu that will kill you. Headaches? Rush to an emergency room immediately before that aneurism kills you. Mosquito bite? YOU HAVE WEST NILE VIRUS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.

So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I found this.

All of this is to say, I won’t be around this weekend as I recover, and I might not get back to regular posting until Tuesday or Wednesday. I want to try to get some writing done this weekend, but I have no idea how out of it I’ll be. Wish me luck and strength to stop being a wimp.

Yes, I’d like some cheese with my whine. Preferably gouda.

You know those dreams where you’re being chased, but you can’t get your feet to move? And when you try to scream, you discover that you can’t? And you know whatever is chasing you is coming, but no matter how much you will yourself to just keep moving, your body and your mind just won’t cooperate?

Lately, it feels like my life has been that dream.

I have no reason to complain. In fact, everything is going gloriously. I’m thisclose to everything I’ve ever wanted.

But that’s not what the dream is about. It’s about inertia. It’s about the fear of moving forward. It’s about leaving the safe comfort of what you know to venture out into unknown territory.

I’m no dream analyst, but I can make correlations about this dream and what’s happening in my life when I’m most likely to have it.

The summer before I moved away from home for college, I had that dream all the time. I also frequently dreamed I was suddenly 9 months pregnant, which I’ve read is a dream about the fear of change, too. It should have been the one of the best summers of my life — no responsibility, nothing but opportunity ahead of me. But I was paralyzed with fear.

Just before my husband and I left our college town to move here for his graduate school, I went through a nearly debilitating bout of anxiety. For the first time in my life, I was frequently awoken by panic attacks.

At the time, it didn’t feel as related to the move as I know it was now. It wasn’t necessarily thoughts about moving that triggered the attacks. It was daily life. A spilled glass of water, a setback in plans, a traffic jam that left us scrambling to make our movie in time. The most trivial little things would lead to the worst kind of terror.

Now, as we face another major life change, another big move, I find myself spiraling down that path again. This time it feels a little easier. I feel like I’m right on the brink of the worst kind of anxiety I’ve ever faced — the anxiety triggered by change.

It doesn’t matter that the voice of reason in my head tells me not to worry, everything will be okay, these are all good things. The logical side of me knows that. The logical side of me is excited about what’s to come, excited about all the opportunity ahead of us. But anxiety isn’t about logic — it’s about fear. Fear of the unknown, fear that I can’t handle what’s to come, fear that I’ll fail.

I’m working on it. Every day is a struggle to keep myself grounded and avoid spiraling down the path of panic attacks and insomnia. I can cope. I’ve always coped.

But this time it’s also a little harder in a way, because I know what’s it like to live without fear. For six glorious months after I began combining exercise with anti-anxiety medication, I felt good for the first time in my life. But now that another big change is upon me, those feelings are replaced once again by crippling fear.

The only remedy is to trust myself. I have to learn to listen to that voice that knows I’m strong enough to handle what’s the come just like I’ve handled every other major change. In the end, it will all be okay. But getting there is the hard part.

Countdown to Europe and moving — Four months to go

The end of the holiday season was particularly bittersweet for me. We’re moving and taking a trans-Atlantic vacation in 120 days, and it’s finally time for me to start doing all the things I’ve been putting off until “after the holidays.” It’s so exciting, but overwhelming, too.

I’ve been breaking everything down month-by-month to make sure I get it all done. Here’s what’s on my plate for January.

Moving

Last month I set a date for our move and booked the movers and the truck. We’re renting a U-Haul and hiring a moving company to load up the truck. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before, but honestly, even though loading the truck ourselves would be more frugal, hiring people to do it is the best $150 I will ever spend. We’re on the third floor, and it’s just us. Knowing that two professionals will be here to lug our heavy possessions down three flights of wind-y stairs takes a huge load off my mind.

Just before the holidays I also informed my boss and co-workers that I’ll be leaving in May. My plan was to make an announcement in March, but the other employee in my department is pregnant and due in June. I felt like it was only fair to let everyone know well in advance so they could plan for both of us to leave around the same time.

We’re also continuing to declutter, but that’s not going as well as I’d hoped. :( I’m hoping the New Year will motivate me to really start getting rid of stuff so we can lighten our load.

Europe

For Christmas, Tony’s parents got me a couple of frugal vacation planning books for Paris and London. This month I plan to read through them and make a to-do list based on the tips I find valuable.

Since our flight and hotels are already booked, there isn’t much left to do beyond deciding what to see in the cities and getting our passports. This month we’ll be taking care of the passports to make sure we have plenty of time.

Everything is coming together nicely. Here’s hoping it’s smooth sailing from here to May.

Photo by tahir

My New Year’s resolution for 2010 — focus on the positive

Every New Year, I’ve thought long and hard about how to improve myself, and I come up with resolutions that will make me a better person. I tell myself, “You didn’t work out enough this year,” or “You need to lose weight,” or “You need to do this and that to be better.” But you know what? This type of thinking doesn’t motivate me. It just leaves me feeling like I’ve failed in the past, and sets me up for failure and more negative thinking in the future.

This year, I’m spending the New Year looking ahead with excitement and reminding myself of my accomplishments. Instead of dwelling on what I could do better in the coming year, I’m reveling in the joy of all the great things I accomplished in 2009 and the rewards that will follow in 2010.

My New Year’s resolutions are positive reinforcements of my strengths instead of reminders of how I’ve failed. I’m training to run a half marathon to remind myself that I’m capable of anything I set my mind to, and I’m making a promise to myself to focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses this year.

I want the coming year to be one of happiness and positivity. Here are some other reasons that I’m proud of us, and why I’m so excited for 2010.

  • We’re starting the year credit card debt free, and our emergency fund is complete.
  • We’re finally moving back home to the Midwest.
  • We’re going on our dream vacation to Europe in May.
  • I’m writing a book! (That’s all I can say about that, but I’ll have more details to come, I promise!)
  • My best friend and sister-in-law are both getting married in October.
  • I’m training to run a half marathon in November.

What’s your New Year’s resolution? Are you focusing on your strengths or dwelling on your weaknesses?

Photo by maxblogbits